When it all comes down to it (such a a cliche), what do you have? You have yourself. No one can make you happy. No one can make you write more. No one can shower you with enough praise to get you through the day. No, in the end you only have yourself to rely on.
I suppose we all learn this at one point or another. I have come to the conclusion lately that at this stage of my life (mid-forties, divorced, two teenaged daughters, puppy…the real gold standard of eligibility) I need to become more selfish. Weird, right? I suppose many will guffaw at this. A man who needs to be more selfish? Really?
And those guffawers would be right in lots of cases, just not this one. I’m not selfish, and it kind of has been a detriment to me. You see, I believe in building things collaboratively…together. I’m good in a committee. Personally, I like to share experiences. I’ve never believed in compartmentalizing things. I just let it all become part of my life, which I willingly shared. One big soupy mess.
Others, by the way, don’t do this. Newsflash for me. But, then again, I’m a slow learner.
And I should learn from them. No great novelist created a master work by opting to leave his desk early to be with his family. No short story writer sacrifices her moments of solitude in favor of a bike ride with her husband. No, they diligently plug on. They work. The togetherness crap must be for the weak or the non-driven, things I guess I’ve been.
Excuse? Maybe. I sure as heck haven’t been writing as much these last few years as I should have been. Maybe I was just too concerned about sharing my life. So in the end the lesson is this: focus on yourself and your family and your writing, for the work matters above all else. If you want to be the best.
Hard one for me to swallow, but, then again, I haven’t seen much cheering for the opposite side. Maybe it will be easier, after all, to just lose myself in my work. Everybody’s doing it.
4 comments
Michael says:
Feb 29, 2012
I partially agree. Balance is king in this existence, and if you haven’t been fair to yourself then yes, you do need to be a little more selfish, to the extent that you need to consider yourself and what you need a little more heavily going forward.
However, you might want to reexamine the sacrifices you think you should make. Nobody on their deathbed, writer or otherwise, ever said “I wish I worked more and spent less time with my family and loved ones.” If they did, there were almost certainly miserable sob’s.
I think it’s more like the airline safety lecture – take care of yourself first and then the people around you. You’re no good to them if you both can’t breathe.
brian says:
Feb 29, 2012
I do agree, Mike. I would never knowingly slight my girls. It’s the rest of it that I can’t seem to get right. I believe wholeheartedly in balance. IN fact, i wrote a post on balance not too long ago. I just need to figure out the rest, I suppose.
Carrie says:
Mar 1, 2012
Hello old friend. I can remember sitting in my car with you during high school and discussing relationships. Even though we are in our early 40s (not mid-40s), things haven’t really changed much. Here’s what I’ve seen and learned since our teens. Unfortunately, those who give of themselves get taken advantage of. Sometimes people suck. However, it’s those few people that appreciate your selflessness that make it all okay. I do agree with the one response saying that you have to take care of yourself before taking care of others. Let’s face it, if you are a mess you are not going to be of use to others. We all need to find a happy medium, but I think being selfless is an amazing quality and one that should bring great pride. Will being that way bring heartache? You bet it will. However, those people I’ve known that don’t have that quality, usually don’t have friends and are not well-liked. I say take a couple of days each week to be selfish, do something only for you, but the rest of the time be who you are. There are people out there that will appreciate you so much for it. In the end, you’ll be liked, loved and adored for your selflessness.
Rebecca says:
Mar 1, 2012
There is certainly a lot to be said for self-reliance; however, I think that is different that being selfish, which is different than taking care of yourself. Frankly, I don’t think you are capable of being selfish and that’s a good thing. Perhaps the quality you should work on is seeing all the good in you, without requiring anyone else to point it out for you. (Although if you need to hear that, I will be happy to tell you.) So many of us need to be able to appreciate the good in ourselves on our own, because you are good and whole and perfect just as you are. Maybe then you will naturally find yourself not attaching with people who might take advantage of your good nature. Good guys don’t really finish last in the end, although they might get their feelings hurt more often.